Is it ever OK to use the word stupid when giving feedback

Is it ever OK to use the word stupid when giving feedbackIs it ever OK to use the word stupid when giving feedbackDrIs it ever OK to use the word stupid when giving feedback? Professional business coach Kim Scott offered great perspectives on this question when she spoke at First Round Capitals CEO Summit.Once upon a time, Scott presented her recent business results to her managers bosses Googles Sergey Brin and Larry Page. Hugely impressed, the two offered the young executive mora resources. Afterward, Scotts own manager, Sheryl Sandberg, shared what she had liked about Scotts presentation. Then added, But you said um a lot. And offered her a Google-funded public speaking coach.Scott verbally brushed off this comment, still feeling on top of the world. Finally, Sandberg said You know, Kim, I can tell Im not getting through to you. Im going to have to be clearer here. When you say um every third word, it makes you sound stupid. At which point, reports Kim, the message DID sink in.Sco tt feels that Sandbergs bluntness was an example of kindness, in retrospect. She needed that guidance.Tough feedback only works if provided in the right contextSandberg got away with her feedback with zero relationship or trust damage only because it was given in a context of caring personally. Sandberg had encouraged Scott to take time off to care for a sick relative and had done a thousand other things that showed she was invested in Scott as a person and a professional. And she offered tangible support in the same breath she offered her blunt critique.Scott now divides the world of business relationships into 4 quadrants. The vertical axis of her graph (above) is what she calls the give-a-damn axis how much do you, as a leader, show you care about, like, and respect the other person? The horizontal axis is about communicating guidance with candor and directness, even when it is difficult for the other person to hear. She contends the fruchtwein successful leaders live at the corn er of Caring Personally and Challenging Directly.When I work with leaders in my programs, they sometimes receive feedback from colleagues that they are either nice-but-lacking-spine or the opposite blunt-but-not-so-nice. They squirm. Do I need to be less nice? the first group asks. The second group wonders if they need to stop being so blunt and direct.Generally, I say absolutely not. Keep whats good, whether it is the niceness or the directness. Then develop much more of the other thing.Dont make the fools choiceIts a myth that leaders need to choose between being the lovable manager, or the challenging manager. Ideally - like Sheryl Sandberg we want to be BOTH types of manager simultaneously. Showing we care through trust-building words and actions becomes our relationship money in the bank, like it was for Sandberg. This builds a relationship atmosphere where others will respond well, not poorly, to even the toughest of feedback.Scott suggests that the overly nice guy manager wh o cares but isnt direct with feedback brings Ruinous Empathy to his or her work relationships and says that if a leader cant master Radical Candor she prefers Obnoxious Aggression (the lower left quadrant) where people feel highly challenged, but dont feel much love. I differ from Scott there. Maybe at a prestigious workplace like Google, this works and doesnt quickly send the troops packing for greener and friendlier pastures. But at many organizations, employees (especially millennials) dont stick around if the challenge factor isnt accompanied by adequate caring respect.In any case, please dont fall for what I call the Fools Choice the common notion that a leader cant be both TOUGH and CARING simultaneously. Think back youve probably experienced both qualities - in spades - working for each favorite past or current boss.Where do you stand?If youre unsure which relationship muscles you need to strengthen or which part of Scotts graph you spend most of your time in, Scott offer s a radical idea. Explain her chart to your team, then ask each person to consider which quadrant their most recent interaction with you fell into. Provide a way for them to write their answer down and get it to you, with confidentiality preserved.In so doing, you have a spectacular opportunity to show your team what it looks and sounds like to solicit honest performance feedback, then receive it with curiosity, openness, and gratitude. And to ensure youve got both the edge and the soft touch that managing human beings requires.